‘Fuck this, I’m going back to space’ says Tim Peake

author avatar by 7 years ago

British astronaut Major Tim Peake has decided that life on Earth is no longer for him, as it is confirmed that he will make a second mission into space.

The upcoming mission was confirmed as the spacecraft that carried Major Peake to and from the International Space Station last year went on display at London’s Science Museum.

Speaking to the press at the event, Peake said, “The blissful tranquillity of space is something I wanted to experience again pretty much the moment I touched down.

“When you’re up there, looking at the whole planet – the one setting for all of human activity, our history and achievements – you feel so small, so insignificant and yet so privileged.

“You feel so very detached from life and in complete awe at our very existence in this vast cosmos – so it’s quite easy to forget how utterly fucking dreadful people are.

NewsThump Hoodies

“I’ve barely been back five minutes and I’m absolutely sick of everybody’s shit, constantly farting on about politics and race and religion and the sodding Kardashians – it’s chaos.

“Everything has gone completely tits-up – America has voted in Trump for God’s sake – it’ll be much safer up there now, and I have no intention of coming back.

“I’ll miss my family, but on the plus side I’ll get a fantastic view of Earth’s inevitable incineration.”

Peake added that he hoped his enthusiasm for space and science would encourage a new generation to pursue a career like his.

Budding astronaut Simon Williams said, “I have always dreamed that I could one day go into space.

“I am 43 now so I wonder if my time has maybe passed to get the necessary qualifications, but I might apply for a one-way trip to Mars as a sort of guinea pig.

“If Major Peake has taught me anything, it’s that I should never stop trying to get away from the awful shits that inhabit our planet.”

NewsThump Best sellers