Thursday 26 January 2017

Drinks firm Diageo sees profits rise after 2016 drove everyone to drink

Diageo profits

Diageo has announced improved profits after 2016 drove many millions of people to drink.

Diageo shares rose more than 4% after the company reported a sharp rise in sales to people trying to escape the horrific awfulness of real life in the year 2016.

A spokesperson explained, “Contrary to the current received wisdom, we thought 2016 was absolutely incredible. Deaths of beloved celebrities, Brexit, Donald Trump – all of which were major factors in people reaching for the nearest bottle of Scotch or Vodka.

“And as long as those bottles are Johnny Walker or Smirnoff, then we couldn’t be happier.

“The absolute worst-case scenario for us as a business is that things start to get better in 2017.

“But, judging by Trump’s first few days in power and Article 50 being triggered in a few weeks, I would suggest that Diageo shares are a pretty safe bet right now.

“Remember, nothing bad was ever found at the bottom of a bottle.”

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