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Donald Trump has cut funding for Arkham Asylum after blaming inmates’ mental illnesses on vaccines.
Describing the facility as a ‘revolving door’, the President said the symptoms of one inmate were entirely attributable to falling into a vat of chemicals at the Ace Chemical plant – which included many compounds also found in vaccines for measles, chicken pox and tuberculosis.
Conditions in the Asylum were ‘very, very bad’, said Trump, who spoke movingly of how staff had forced one inmate to wear a restraining mask for years – although Arkham officials later confirmed this was the Scarecrow and he actually rather likes it.
Another patient was described as having become a gigantic cannibal crocodile-man after being inoculated for polio in his youth, but who is expected to make a full recovery after being released into the community and put on a vegan ‘clean eating’ diet to flush toxins from his system.
Medical experts who described this assessment as ‘complete bollocks’ have been banned from posting their research on social media until further notice.
Acting on advice from his favoured candidate for the vacant Supreme Court seat, former district attorney Harvey Dent, Arkham will close its doors immediately with all staff expected to be made redundant – although Senior Psychiatric Consultant Harleen Quinzel, who has supported the closure, is tipped for a top job at the Department of Health.
The funds saved from Arkham will go towards building his Mexican Wall, after Trump heard that masked wrestler Bane was taking ‘huge doses’ of MMR vaccine before attempting to get into the USA.
“That Bane guy has a clear case of autism,” said Trunp. “Can he even talk properly? Nobody can understand a word he says. It’s just mumble this and mumble that.
“If anyone is gonna give America back to the people, it’s gonna be me,” he added.
Trump continues to move fast in building his administrative team, and issued a statement describing Oswald Cobblepot as a ‘great, smart businessman who has done a lot for America’ before confirming his appointment as Treasury Secretary.
One inmate, The Joker, has thus far declined to leave his cell and when asked why he hadn’t left the asylum said, “Why would I want to? The lunatics have taken it over.
“Now you’re locked in here with me.”
