Eric Trump farting the National Anthem and hookers: Inauguration plans revealed

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The timetable for the Inauguration of President Trump has been revealed and looks set to be a day of glamour and dignity.

The ceremony begins with entertainment from 9.30am and culminates in Mr Trump taking the oath of office at midday.

9.30am – The ceremonies begin

9.35am – Hookers.

10.00am – Hulk Hogan plays the spoons

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10.10am – Hookers

10.20am – Monster trucks

10.30am – KKK dancers perform a series of traditional racist dances

10.45am – Hookers

11.00am – Mr Trump gives a rambling speech about being a winner, and how everyone who isn’t him is a big loser, particularly noted civil rights campaigners and Meryl Streep

11.15am – Video link to President Putin staring menacingly across the assembled crowds

11.30am – Hookers

11.45am – Barron Trump recites his times tables

12pm – President Trump sworn in on family bible; A 4-foot-tall gold book that plays ‘When the Saints go marching in’ when opened.

12.05pm – Eric Trump farts The Star-Spangled Banner. It is understood that this will be released as a charity single shortly after the ceremony with all proceeds going to Eric Trump

12.10pm – Hookers

12.30pm – Everyone goes home trying not to think about President Trump’s inaugural balls.

The ceremony will be powered by the energy generated from the founding fathers of the Republic spinning in their graves.

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