Brexit plan to include throwing virgins into a volcano

author avatar by 7 years ago

Prime Minister Theresa May is to make a speech in which she will outline her plans to appease the Gods in a bid to achieve a Brexit that “works for everyone”.

Mrs May will announce the appointment of a priest who will undertake duties including cutting the still beating heart from a child and offering it up to the Sun, or possibly the Daily Mail.

“We will achieve a successful Brexit by sacrificing hardworking British people,” she will say.

“Their blood will enrich our soil, and their tears will water our crops.”

Other plans will include throwing Bob Geldof down a well, catapulting Stephen Hawking at the moon and filling a wicker man with Liberal Democrats.

Nigel Farage welcomed the news but insisted that there is only one way to truly please the Brexit gods.

“An ambassadorial role or a knighthood should do it,” he said.

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt