All Americans to schedule 5-minute slots with President Trump for personal feuds

author avatar by 7 years ago

The entire American population is being urged to schedule five-minute slots with Donald Trump, so he can fit in a personal feud with all of them during his term as President.

Since winning the Presidency, Donald Trump has already fought with the cast of Hamilton, the Intelligence service, Meryl Streep and most recently with renowned civil rights activist John Lewis.

It has become apparent that some rigorous scheduling will be required if, as expected, Mr Trump uses his Presidency to personally argue the toss with every man, woman and child in America.

“It’s going to be incredibly tight, but I think it’s doable,” said Donald Trump’s newly appointed Secretary of pettiness and assholery – Satan.

“320 million people is a lot, and we’re working on the presumption of a single term Presidency – until we hear from the Russians that they’ve arranged a second term – but we think we can fit everyone in.

“I would urge people to book early as the most convenient slots, as they will go quickly and no one’s going to want a call from President Trump for a 3am argument about how amazing a man he is.”

Donald Trump’s first official Presidential feud will take place as part of his inauguration, just after Hulk Hogan’s spoon-playing set and before the girls from the local Hooters spend ten minutes bending over in tight hot-pants.