People who want to see the Donald Trump sex tape told to seek urgent psychiatric help

author avatar by 7 years ago

The government has been warned that mental health provision is unlikely to be able to cope if the Donald Trump sex tape is released.

The video, whose existence was revealed yesterday, has caused a spike in Internet searches by people wanting to watch it which just shows there’s a lot of people out there who badly need all the help they can get already without making things worse for themselves.

Sources from inside the Intelligence Community describe the film as being like an elephant seal being put through a bikini car wash, just far less erotic than that makes it sound.

Mental Health professionals have called upon the government to free up additional emergency funding in case the video is released into the wild, as they fear a dramatic spike in cases of Post-traumatic Syndrome, Stress Blindness and Sexual Dysfunction.

“Mental health services are already critically underfunded, and seeing Donald Trump with his wanger out getting sprayed with piss by a couple of Ukranian brasses really isn’t going to make things better on that front,” said a spokesman for the Department of Health.

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“It’s not like we don’t have enough patients with psychiatric problems already without having to deal with an influx of people rocking backwards and forwards muttering ‘the orange, the orange’.”

Rumours continue to circulate of fake copies of the sex tape doing the rounds, which actually feature footage of a woman climbing out of a well.

Views describe the experience of watching it and suddenly dying seven days later as considerably more enjoyable and sexy than Donald Trump in his pants, and it already has a higher rating on Rotten Tomatoes than what is euphemistically being referred to as trump’s version of Singing in the Rain.