Southern Rail to replace carriages with skips on wheels

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Southern Rail is to push forward with a controversial new cost-saving exercise and replacing the traditional train carriage with some old skips on wheels.

It is expected that by using skips, the company can save the several pounds a year it spends on cleaning and maintenance of carriages.

“It’s win/win,” said Southern CEO and pawn of Satan Charles Horton.

“We get to save a little bit of money and humiliate and abuse passengers at the same time, which is really the primary focus of Southern Rail.”

Stations will be fitted with small step ladders along the platforms and, as the trains arrive, passengers will climb the stepladders and fling themselves into the skips before the train pulls away.

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Mr Horton confirmed that the skips won’t be fitted with seats.

“No, we’re not doing seats anymore, people will only sit on them. But there will be some rocks and old concrete at the bottom of these skips, so make of that what you will.”

The company has sourced the majority of skips by travelling around the country late at night and stealing them from in front of houses where building work is being done.

This is the latest in a series of innovations from the country’s most evil rail franchise including filming passengers on the toilet and putting it on the Internet, replacing tickets with physical violence, and largely giving up on actually running trains.