Thursday 5 January 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Postman Pat caught delivering four kilos of crack cocaine

Postman Pat delivering drugs

Postman Pat has been caught delivering a shitload of nose powder.

The lovable children’s character was caught in a sting at 7:30 am this morning during his rounds, following reports that millions of pounds of drugs are delivered via the Royal mail every year.

“This is bullshit!” screamed Postman Pat, from his police cell.

“I just deliver the stuff. I don’t know what’s in it. It was addressed to Norman Price! Why’s nobody putting him in cuffs and lobbing him down some steps?”

PC Simon Williams said, “we apprehended Pat this morning while he was making his usual deliveries around Greendale.

“We’ve reasons to believe he was using, as well as delivering the drugs – there’s no other logical explanation as to why anybody would take their cat to work.

“He’s adamant that he’s never touched the stuff and he was just delivering parcels to a Mr Norman Price, but take a look at that nose. It’s built for cocaine. I know my onions.”

Norman Price, a child of undetermined age, said, “I’m really sad that Pat has gone to prison.

“That’s the reason I’m sniffing so much. Honest.”

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