New Government alchemist quits after Prime Minister refuses to share process for turning lead into gold

author avatar by 7 years ago

The government’s new Chief Alchemist has quit his role after claiming the Prime Minister has ‘muddled thinking’ over the process of turning lead into gold.

The country’s most senior alchemist, Sir Ivan Williams, said he was left with no choice but to resign, despite his desire to see the job through.

He told reporters, “I was hired for a very specific purpose, to manage the process of turning lead into gold – but I can’t do that if the prime minister and her closest advisors won’t share with me their plan on how to make that happen.

“Otherwise I’m in danger of being left sitting here with a pile of worthless lead looking like I’ve done a bad job.

“To the untrained eye, it’s beginning to look like the government doesn’t actually think it can turn lead into gold – even though they keep telling everyone that ‘we have a plan’.

“I wish nothing but good luck for my replacement, though I would check the small print on your contract – they tried to sneak a bit in there about ‘responsibility for turd polishing’ with mine.”

Downing Street officials have rejected the accusations of muddled thinking, insisting that turning lead into gold is the will of the British people, and as such, they will make it happen.

When asked how that was going to happen, the spokesperson told us, “We have a plan, it’s a great plan. The best plan – remember, alchemy means alchemy.”

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