34-year-old Simon Williams is this morning beginning a hangover that will last until Wednesday, despite telling everyone he was having a ‘quiet one at home’ for New Year.
Williams rejected the idea of paying £25 to celebrate New Year in a packed nightclub surrounded by arseholes, choosing instead to stay at home alone and watch it on the telly.
“It started with a couple of beers, just a couple, and only because it was New Year’s Eve,” Williams told us.
“I’m not a big drinker, but I thought having a couple at home was a nice way to see in the new year. Nothing big, just a sociable toast to the year ahead.
“But before I knew it, I was dancing a one-man nude conga around the living room while finishing off a bottle of Port with a flexible straw. I don’t even like Port. Or straws. Or the conga.
“I woke up on the stairs at 9 am with one leg in a Batman costume that’s been in the loft since my 25th birthday party. No, I have absolutely no idea what I was planning to do. Fight crime on the mean streets of Reading maybe. Or join Fathers for Justice, who knows.
“I blame Jools Holland for the whole thing; I felt I had no choice but to join in with his guests in enjoying a few scoops. Right at this minute, I definitely wish him a truly painful demise, but I’m sure that’ll pass by midweek.
“But I am, without question, never, ever drinking again. Obviously.”