Insurers have substantially hiked prices for life insurance policies taken out by celebrities, after a year that has cost them millions in payouts to the relatives of the rich and famous.
Some commentators have viewed the price rise as a move by the industry to take advantage of celebrities who fear they might be next to pass away, but those in the business have been keen to justify the decision.
Insurance broker Trevor Matthews told reporters, “This isn’t about us making a bit of extra money off the back of some high profile deaths – it is more about making sure that we can survive as a financially viable business and cover potential payouts if 2017 turns out to be as much of a bastard as 2016 has proven to be.”
Minor celebrity Simon Williams told us, “What a crazy year. It even managed to rob us of Princess Leia and she’s half Jedi, so what hope is there for the rest of us?
“Think of all the big names we’ve lost in 2016. Who’d have thought we’d lose Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman and Mohammad Ali all in the same year. It hardly seems fair, does it.”
Matthews then interrupted to point out it wasn’t all bad news for celebrities, explaining that “Donald Trump got a massive promotion at 70, and Rupert Murdoch married a former supermodel at 85.”
He went on, “Based on the current data, our algorithms are currently predicting that if you’re a despicable shit you might actually live forever, so your life insurance premiums will fall quite dramatically as a result.
“Which I suppose is good news if you’re a megalomaniac billionaire that everybody hates.”