Friday 23 December 2016 by Davywavy

Couples’ cloyingly twee ‘review of 2016’ destined to remain unread by everyone who receives it

Couples Christmas update

A couples’ ‘cloyingly twee’ review of their 2016 will never be read by any of the people who receive a copy.

Simon and Simone Williams of Kettering spent several evenings constructing the summary of their year, ensuring it was a perfect mix of self-deprecating humour, ‘bringing you up to date with us’ news and heartfelt sadness over the death of their Alsatian, Sheba, earlier in the year, which guarantees anyone reading it would want to punch them.

A copy was sent inside Christmas cards to friends, family and people they’ve not seen since university but still stay in touch with on Facebook, not one of whom will get past the first line of “I expect you’re wondering how we’ve been doing this year!”

This means the world will remain forever ignorant of the purchase of a replacement Alsatian, Prince, to help Simone heal her broken heart, and Simon’s plucky battle with haemorrhoids earlier in the year.

Nor will anyone ever learn of their ‘wonderful’ holiday where they took a ballooning trip over the Pyramids and met another couple who were such a scream and ‘sooooo interesting’.

“We had a great time, looking back over all the things we’ve done this year”, Simon told us.

“Simone cracked open a bottle of bubbly and we just roared with laughter all evening. We think the story about the time I got shot in the balls paintballing will make everyone’s year!

“We’re thinking about trying for a baby this year. We think everyone will be dead interested in hearing about our adventures in that direction in 2017!”

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