British Visas to be fast-tracked for Indians who promise not to mention the cricket

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The Prime Minister has promised to fast-track UK visas for Indian workers who agree to keep quiet about the cricket, the government has confirmed.

In a move designed to defuse the disagreement over workers rights for Indians in return for a trade deal, Theresa May has linked more flexible visas to ‘not rubbing it in all the time’.

Any Indian who can ‘shut up for, like, five minutes’ about the fifth test will receive a work permit, with additional rights being granted for not chanting ‘four nil four nil’ at immigration officials and members of the British Council.

A new test will be implemented for potential Indian migrants, with preference shown to any resident of the Subcontinent who can hear the words ‘batting collapse’ without collapsing in a fit of giggles.

“It’s very important, post-Brexit, to have a flexible and welcoming approach to potential migrants to Britain who can keep a straight face when shown a picture of Alistair Cook,” a government spokesman confirmed.

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“This is a sensible, realistic proposal which also guarantees to reduce migration from India to single digits.”

Theresa May is understood to have proposed the new arrangement to the Indian Government who have promised to respond just as soon as they’ve stopped cheering and dancing around the office.