Simon Cowell wins X Factor for record 13th time

author avatar by 8 years ago

Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his thirteenth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.

The victory has come as a shock to millions of people who appear to have no idea what they are watching, and who for some unfathomable reason seemed to think victory belonged to a female singer called ‘Matt Terry’.

Cowell told reporters after the win, “This is just like winning the lottery. Again. For the thirteenth year running.

“People said it was impossible for me to win it all over again, but then I pointed them to a format that I completely own, and my record company that now owns all of the acts on the show, and then they have to admit it does, in fact, look a lot like ‘winning’.

“I’m simply overjoyed, and I can’t thank the fans enough for believing in this money-making charade disguised as a talent show. Without them, I would definitely be significantly poorer.

NewsThump Hoodies

“Matt is quite pleased as well, and will be until he realises how little he actually stands to make from all this.”

Cowell wins X Factor

Experts have said that this latest victory yet again illustrates Cowell’s incredible natural gift for extracting money from simpletons.

Music industry analyst Simon Williams told us, “He’s like a force of nature, and fully deserves this thirteenth successive win.

“Never before have we seen anyone so incredibly talented when it comes to turning the feeble-minded majority into cold hard cash.

“To be honest, I don’t see how anyone will ever beat him.”

I think, therefore I am (not an X Factor voter)