The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Southern Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.
Dozens of suicide bombers were left twiddling their thumbs, and prominent evil bastards were left unable to deliver vital information, as delays of up to three hours caused chaos for nefarious commuters.
Head of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, said, “This is wholly unacceptable. I contacted Southern Rail about the issue, and they had the audacity to direct our disgruntled suicide bombers to a fucking delay-repay website!
“The very nature of the job means they’re highly unlikely to benefit from compensation.”
Charles Horton, chief executive of Govia Thameslink Railway which owns Southern Rail, told us, “Southern Rail have never, and will never, give a shit about our customers.
“I literally spend my days sipping port and laughing at CCTV footage of tearful commuters calling their kids to tell them they won’t be able to read them a bedtime story.
“It just proves how fickle the world is. NATO is calling us heroes, but essentially our business plan hasn’t changed.
“Whether you’re desperate to get home to your family, or desperate to blow-up someone else’s – we’ll do our best to stop you.”