Thursday 8 December 2016 by Alex Webster

It’s because the children are thick, say teachers

It's because the kids are thick, confirm teachers

Britain continuing to lag behind in international education standards has only one explanation, according to teachers

Following the publishing of PISA rankings this week, grading over 70 countries on their school standards, it has become clear that the UK is stagnating despite numerous reforms.

Minister for education Simon Williams told reporters, “All the previous governments invested heavily in education. We’ve revolutionised teacher recruitment and training. We’ve prioritised poorer areas. We’ve had many, many shake-ups. Dozens, if you include the shake-ups implemented to repair the damage from previous shake-ups.

“Only one logical explanation remains; the kids are as thick as cold treacle. Dumb as a bag of hammers, the lot of ‘em.”

At a training facility in Berkshire, a GCSE maths teacher struggles to solve a nine square sudoku while simultaneously jumping through hoops hurled at her by a school board member.

“In hindsight it was obvious. I mean, who enjoys drawing a penis on a desk or painting their nails with TippEx? An idiot, that’s who.

“Extra funding is always nice, but when I see one of them struggling to understand a Bunsen burner I can’t fight the feeling that we’re throwing good money after bad.”

Government ministers are currently consulting over a proposed shake-up to combat high-level youth idiocy.

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