After Theresa May said God will guide her through the Brexit process, God has clarified he has no intention of going anywhere near such a colossal clusterf*ck.
The Prime Minister told The Sunday Times that she felt sure her faith in God would help steer the nation through Brexit, insisting that when things look difficult, religion can provide answers.
“No, it can’t,” clarified God this morning.
“I’m all for miracles, as you know. Loaves and fishes, parting of seas, turning water into wine – that was all me. You could say I’m known for my ability to make miracles happen.
“But keeping access to the single market while rejecting all freedom of movement? Not a chance. Nadda.
“Remember the story of Eve being offered the apple? Well, imagine the apple was a bus with ‘£350m extra for the NHS written’ on the side. Do you get it yet?”
God went on to explain that he has some level of sympathy for the people who still think Brexit can deliver everything they were promised.
He went on, “Look, I get sent a lot of prayers, as you can probably imagine.
“For all kinds of stuff, like helping people recover from ill health, to pleas for a particular football team to win at the weekend – some of which I help with – but the Brexit prayers I kinda skim right past.
“Most of them are from regretful Brexiters asking me to make sure that one day they’ll be able to say ‘I told you so’ to the people who voted Remain.
“But I’m only a deity; I don’t deal in the impossible.”