2016 manages what 600 assassination attempts couldn’t by killing Fidel Castro

author avatar by 7 years ago

The year 2016 has succeeded where the CIA failed for fifty years by finally toppling Fidel Castro, reports have confirmed.

Castro, who spent the last fifty years battling for human rights by locking up and torturing people who disagreed with him, and shooting anyone who tried to leave, will be mourned by people whose revolutionary fervour outweighs their ability to see honest disagreement as anything other than evil.

After a promising start in which he toppled a dictator, Castro will be best remembered for sending anyone who could build a boat to Miami.

Possibly his greatest legacy is leaving ordinary Cubans literally no wealthier than they were in 1959.

Well-wishers from around the world have rushed to tell those few Cubans with access to unrestricted communications how Castro wasn’t that bad.

In a final irony, Castro, who spent his life battling capitalism, died during the Black Friday sales – a time when people across the world fight to the death for half-price packets of Pringles.

Ordinary Cubans are reported to be in deep mourning, because if the block informant doesn’t report that behaviour it’s possible they won’t be seen again.

Donald Trump has already claimed credit for the death of Castro, because hey, why the heck not?

However, devotees of Castro have vowed to continue his battle, irrespective of the cost.

“Historically speaking, there’s one fundamental difference between socialism and social democracy,” we were told.

“In order to survive, socialism has to build walls to keep people in, whilst social democracy has to build walls to keep people out.”

2016 Survivor – get the t-shirt!