In their latest bid to strike terror into the heart of the United States government, ISIS are reported to be writing a musical.
Musical theatre marks a departure from the group’s usual tactics of random violence, explosions and beheadings, but intelligence shows that a few jaunty tunes and some high-steppin’ dance numbers ‘shit the new president-elect up good and proper’.
ISIS plan to capitalise upon the new administration’s fear of ‘lippy gays’ by launching a succession of blockbuster song-and-dance routines on Broadway before spreading the terror to regional theatres and show venues.
Planned shows are to include Very Wicked, Beauty and The Beheading, Fiddler off the Roof, and Avenue Qu’ran.
Speaking to a rapturous crowd just outside Mosul, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said, “In the name of Allah, the just, the merciful, we shall inflict upon the heathen dogs of America a wave of warbling homosexuals the like of which they have never seen.
“By the beard of the prophet, when we threaten to bring the house down we mean it!
“We shall crush America by forcing upon them the idea that all people are created equal, and have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness,” he cackled with unholy glee.
“No, wait, hang on. How did it come to this?”
Responding to the threat, officials in the new Trump administration have raised the Terror Threat Level from ‘Snowflake’ to ‘Safe Space’ and asked if people could refrain from criticising them as they find it triggering.
Latest reports indicate that Andrew Lloyd Webber is to be sent to Guantanamo Bay, although it is unclear if he is a prisoner or a means of torture.