Jose Mourinho to motivate players for Arsenal match by punching them in the face

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Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is to take his confrontational style of management a stage further and prepare all his players for today’s crucial Arsenal match by punching them all squarely in the face.

The news follows Mourinho’s criticism of Chris Smalling for not playing with a broken toe and Luke Shaw for having a broken leg and not being ‘brave.’

“My players are all total bastards,” said the grumpy Portuguese, either as some magnificent psychological game that no one but he can understand, or as another stage in what increasingly looks like a total psychotic breakdown.

“I despise them for not making the goals I want, but I am Mourinho. I understand players. How to make them play better for me.

“I will punch them in the face. All of them. I will continue to punch them all in the face until they score all the goals I want them to.

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“I am no longer the Special One, I am the Punchy One.”

Pundits seemed impressed with Mourinho’s plans.

“The problem with players today is they’re soft-arsed, headphone shitters,” said Chris Sutton, angrily.

“A punch in the face would do them all the power of good.

“And a kick in the balls wouldn’t hurt, either.