“You ain’t seen nothing yet” warns 2017

author avatar by 8 years ago

A bleak year in which everyone you like died and xenophobic nationalism secured massive political victories around the world is ‘absolutely nothing’ compared to the misery that lies ahead, according to 2017.

The upcoming year explained that although 2016 has been pretty awful by any objective measure you care to name, the current twelve month period will seem like a boozy picnic in the sunshine by the time it is finished with you.

2017 explained, “You think Brexit was bad? Well, next year we actually start to leave the EU, and you will absolutely loathe what I have in store for the months that follow that.

“You think Trump winning the election is bad? Wait until he gets inaugurated and takes control. His first couple of decisions are OK, but come April, Jesus – I almost feel bad arranging it.

“You think Nigel Farage is a happy bunny right now? Let me tell you, in years to come he’s going to retire thinking 2017 was the best year ever. If that doesn’t terrify you, nothing will.

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“As for your favourite people dying, well, let’s just say you thought you loved David Bowie more than anyone else. Let me ask you the same question this time next year; that’s all I’ll say.”

Londoner Simon Williams told 2017, “Lay one single finger on David Attenborough and I will kill you.”