Marks and Spencer have announced it will convert all clothing and home shops to highly profitable bingo halls and high stake slot machine centres.
The struggling retailer announced its turnaround plan as it seeks to address the changing needs of British customers.
The move will also see an end to low-cost child labour exploitation as the company can now exploit an entirely new and untapped demographic, right here in this country.
The retailer’s main customer base was found to be the over 60’s, many with a walking frame or one of those upright shopping bags with wheels. This core support still likes M&S, but only because they have lost most of their faculties and are not in a position to realise how awful it has become.
M&S retail executive, Simon Williams, told us, “I looked at these customers of ours and thought ‘Bingo’, we already have a captive audience of people that want to throw their pensions away on unachievable lifestyle marketing – it’s the logical next step.”
Chief Executive Steven Roe said, “We thought the British public wanted moderately affordable clothing in classic styles, but it turns out they actually want to throw their money into betting machines and to pay extortionate amounts for the thrill of ticking numbers off on a piece of paper.
“If the referendum taught us anything, it’s that when the people speak, we must listen.”