Tuesday 8 November 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Many Americans still trying to decide on shiniest turd

Trump v Clinton

Millions of American voters are still stuck as to which piece of shit they should plump for.

America usually has a nationwide election of some kind every four years but, instead, this year marks the first ever Shiny Turd Competition.

“I just can’t decide,” said American fence-sitter, Simon Williams.

“One of the turds has an okayish record in public office but did some fairly dodgy stuff regarding emails, and the other turd represents the frustrations of the people but is also in the habit of wiping itself on women.

“I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place or, more literally, one turd and another turd.”

Fellow voter, Elizabeth King, said, “I’m concerned about the effect that each turd will have on America’s relationship with Russia.

“One of the turds wants to essentially merge with Russia’s shiniest turd in order to make some kind of mega-bastard-turd, and the other turd wants to put on some kind of firework display where it and Russia essentially fight each other until they blow up the earth.

“It’s a real shitter.”

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