UK’s largest worm to get Viking funeral

author avatar by 6 years ago

The earthworm is expected to join Harambe in Valhalla where they will toast their valour for all eternity.

Dave the giant worm died in battle against scientists trying to measure him and is to receive a fiery, viking funeral in a longship specially constructed for the occasion.

Thor, God of Thunder, has expressed disappointment that he did not defeat Dave himself as he had hoped to practice on the worm in preparation for battle against Jormungandr, the Midgard Serpent, at the end of all things.

“We’re building a longship that might be as long as fifteen or twenty inches long. When complete we shall lay him on a rich bed of loam with a beetle at his feet”, said Earthworm expert Simon Williams.

“Okay, not feet. Whatever it is that Earthworms have. Cloaca? You tell me.

“Then we shall cast the ship adrift in the still, wine-dark sea before sending him aloft with the wormy Valkyrie by firing burning arrows at him until he is utterly consumed by flames and the waves, God rest him.”

Simon was then interrupted by an announcement that there is no budget for an elaborate funeral and the earthworm will just be put in the bin.