Friday 4 November 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Southern Rail wins contract to transport souls of the damned to Hell

Southern Rail Hell services

There was good news for beleaguered train company, Southern Rail, as it was announced that they have won the contract to transport the damned to Hell.

“Well, I’ve obviously been working tremendously closely with Satan for some time now,” said Southern CEO and total bastard Charles Horton.

“So it’s good to see that our relationship has now been formalised.”

It is understood that what with bankers, politicians, and Brexit voters, the number of souls to be transported to Hell was proving too great of a strain on the River Styx, and Southern Rail will help balance that load.

“I wouldn’t imagine we’d need to make many changes,” continued Mr Horton.

“To be honest, you’d look at our dirty, unreliable, dangerously overcrowded services and you’d assume that’s what they’re currently doing anyway.”

There have been concerns that by using Southern services to transport the damned, it would be taking rolling stock away from an already massively under-resourced network leading to passengers facing even greater delays and disruption.

“Hmm, yes, but we don’t give a flying toss about passengers, so there’s no problem there.”

Regular passengers on the Southern region expressed surprise at the news.

“Well I never,” said a dead-eyed commuter.

“I’ll be honest, I travel regularly by Southern Rail, so I’d assumed I was already in Hell.”

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