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Microsoft has today announced that the next version of their popular email software will include a function that quickly and irretrievably deletes every email on the computer.
Head of product development Simon Williams announced, “With the FBI investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails, we have recognised the need for a quick one-click button that will instantly remove all emails from your PC.
“This will be useful if you suddenly find yourself under investigation by the FBI. Or if you’ve had a bit of a flirty email exchange with that girl from accounts who you felt you had a bit of chemistry with, but then you took it a bit too far that one time and now suddenly realise you are in grave danger of being dismissed for sexual harassment.
“You know, everyday sort of situations.”
The new Microsoft Office suite is due to be released next year, and Outlook is reportedly not the only software with a Clinton inspired update.
“We’ve tweaked Internet Explorer a little too,” continued Mr Williams.
“For those users who routinely forget to use InPrivate Browsing, we will be adding a ‘Bill’ button which with one click will simultaneously close your browsing window and delete all of your search history and cookies.
“This will protect you from your wife ever knowing that you googled ‘What is Monica Lewinsky up to these days’.
“Or in the case of a regular user it will prevent your spouse finding out whatever niche, depraved pornography you are into when she unexpectedly returns from a work social an hour early and catches you mid self-pleasure.
“Again, just normal, everyday situations our customers find themselves in.”
The button will be adjacent to the Minimize, Maximize and Close icons on the top toolbar, thereby saving the user a frantic search of the menus while pathetically attempting to conceal their erection as their significant other approaches.
Industry experts are expecting sales to be high.
