Boris bike sponsor Santander today called for called for people to “stop bloody calling them Boris bikes”.
Santander spokesman Simon Williams told us, “We’ve invested a lot of money – millions – in these bikes, and we feel it’s only far we should see a return.
“So we’re petitioning Sadiq Khan to bring in a range of penalties for anyone using the term ‘Boris Bike’, including hefty fines. And public flogging.”
Williams went on to explain, “When we took over the Boris Bike brand from Barclays, we had high hopes of rebranding them as ‘Santander Cycles’, but the bloke from Barclays just gave a strange, hollow sort of laugh and said ‘best of luck with that’.
“Did I just say ‘Boris Bike’? Oh God I did, didn’t I. Aargh.
“Someone shoot me now.”
Top geneticist, Richard Dawkins, explains. “The term ‘Boris Bike’ is what we call a highly successful meme. In genetic terms, it’s as if you had a gene that could hop on its bike and cycle round London having its way with fruity girls while their husbands were at work in the City.
“It’s hard to think of a real life parallel in the animal kingdom, but I’m sure something will occur to me eventually.”