Wayne Rooney’s downturn in form blamed on Brexit

author avatar by 8 years ago

Benched England captain and Man Utd forward Wayne Rooney has told reporters his downturn in form is due to the effects of Brexit.

Rooney, who thinks he’s either 30 or 31, says things haven’t been the same on the pitch since the UK decided to sever its ties with the economic and political union which was originally based on the Maastricht Treaty, and had the aim of the eventual establishment of common economic, foreign, security, and justice policies.

“And Theresa May keeps sayin’ that Brexit means Brexit, and to be honest with you, I always thought Steve Bruce was a fantastic manager. He’ll do well at Villa,” Rooney told reporters.

After the vote in June and England’s disastrous Euros campaign, Rooney was said to be devastated when he found out Iceland had their EU application rejected.

“I know it’s cold up that way, but I was told their application got frozen. Like in the post or somethin’.”

Things haven’t been going well for Rooney on the pitch since the referendum result was announced, managing just 2 dribbles a game, and a further 5 from his mouth.

He’s been benched for both club and country, but that extra thinking time has meant the divisions exposed by Brexit have played on his mind even more.

“Politics was never my thing really, and I never wanted it in football, but Jamie Vardy’s been texting me every week since telling me he’s glad the beuru… beaura…- beauro….red tape’s gone.”

Rooney has also been making headlines in recent weeks with his stance on the refugee crisis, after suggesting we should be taking Syrians in, but only if they pass a medical and are on a free transfer.

“It’s somethin’ really for the gaffer, but if we take eleven of them at a time, who knows how many World Cups we could have by 2050.

“Maybe like 10. You don’t want the French getting’ any of that.”