Companies which use foreign words to be named and shamed under new proposals

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Companies which employ foreign words where a good old-fashioned British one will do are to be forced to declare it, according to new proposals unveiled today.

Saying that ‘globalisation has failed’, ministers insist that British words must be given preference over anything that sounds like it might come from somewhere not quite right to prevent foreign words coming over here and stealing all our consonants and fricatives.

Under the new proposals, Cappucino will be renamed FrothyCoffy and Croissants will be banned outright.

The drinks industry has already pledged to rename ‘alcohol’, which is of arabic origin, as the more traditional-sounding word ‘booze’, whilst Garibaldi biscuits will be banned from company meetings until they are rebranded as Salmonds.

Meanwhile, in order to prevent trouble Iceland has pre-emptively rebranded as ‘Dundee’, which is pretty much the same thing.

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Under the proposals, anyone using a foreign word where a British alternative exists will be required to put a pound in the National Swear box, which ministers expect to pay off the national debt tout suite.

“Damn, there’s a pound right there!” said Business Secretary Simon Williams, with a laugh.

“For example, builders will now construct ‘low rise dwellings’ instead of Bungalows, eat ‘processed squashed cow patties’ instead of Hamburgers and bars will sell ‘high ethanol spirit drink’ instead of Vodka.

“We really feel this captures the zeitgeist. Oops.

“No, I don’t know what schadenfreude means, why do you ask?”

Suggestions that the increased linguistic opportunities and variety granted by adopting new words are advantageous, give people more options and contribute to them becoming wealthier have been dismissed by supporters of the scheme.

“I’d rather be poorer than have any of that foreign muck in my gob,” we were told.