New plastic bank notes leaving Sir Philip Green short of things to wipe his arse with

author avatar by 8 years ago

The introduction of plastic bank notes is leaving Sir Philip Green desperately short of things to wipe his arse with.

With the new £5 note already causing widespread smearing around his bunghole, Sir Philip has raised concerns that plastic £10 and £20 notes could leave his dirtbox in total disarray.

“At the moment it’s manageable, but I’ll be in trouble if tenners and twenties go plastic,” explained the retail billionaire.

“My muck flume often resembles a tin of plum tomatoes being fed through a paper shredder,” he said.

“If I have to use fifties, the aftermath of a foie gras and truffle madras could set me back thousands.”

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Nigel Farage, who is currently in America cashing in on his own hypocrisy, insists the new notes are the brainchild of Westminster elites determined to spread disharmony in his underpants.

“The filthy rich using bank notes to wipe their arses is what makes Britain great,” he insisted.

“This is clearly just another establishment smear campaign.”