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A “killer clown” with a horrifying face was actually just Michael Gove dressed as normal.
The ever-popular King of All Fuckery was out for an early-morning jog when he was suddenly hit full in the face by a young lady’s umbrella.
“We were called to a clown incident this morning,” confirmed Officer Simon Williams.
“The young lady in question described a horrifying face peering from the mist and yelling ‘MORNING!’, at which point she instinctively twatted him in the face with her umbrella.”
The lady in question, Elizabeth King, said “I should feel bad I suppose, but somehow I don’t.
“It was a hideous visage that appeared in front of me; a leering, waxy face with a ridiculous cheesy grin, inhuman eyes and a wanker’s glasses.
“I instantly battered him to the floor. He kept saying ‘stop! Stop! I’m Michael Gove!’ which I definitely heard and definitely acknowledged, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop beating the shit out of him.
“I’m exhausted, but satisfied, as one would be after a particularly aggressive wank.”
When asked if charges would be brought against either side, Officer Williams told us, “Mr Gove said something about pressing charges for assault, but as per our extensive ‘Dealing with Michael Gove’ training, we weren’t really paying attention.”
