Brexit Marriage Counselling service advises everyone to divorce, immediately

author avatar by 6 years ago

The Brexit Marriage Counselling service has announced that everyone should divorce, right this minute.

The service, started in June with the slogan “Better Apart”, endorses instant and permanent divorce as the solution to every relationship problem.

“Our main policy is that everyone should irrevocably and instantly separate when there is even the hint of disagreement over anything,” said Head Councillor Phil Jones.

“Ideally with absolutely no discussion on the subject.

“And preferably before you even really know what the problem is.”

The radical approach to relationship advice is based on the theory that everything is better if you act without any regard for any of the possible consequences and just focus on the bad things in the marriage, no matter how small they were.

Jones went on, “Through careful research, we have found that 99% of all relationship have imperfections if you really look hard enough, and that if you aren’t in a relationship those blisteringly obvious problems simply can’t manifest themselves.

“The simple truth is that once you’re out of that marriage you are free to find other, more attractive looking people to get into a relationship with.

“And then split up with at the first sign of trouble, obviously.

“There are people who say things like ‘carefully working things out’, ‘taking it slowly’, or ‘discuss things like sensible adults’ can help this kind of situation. They are mostly hippies and communists.

“That kind of behaviour always leaves you open to admitting you did something bad or took something the wrong way, and no one needs that kind of crippling self-awareness or thought in their lives.

“We accept the method is tough on some people, and can lead to financial hardships. This is why we encourage everyone to repeat the mantra ‘I’m fine, everything is fine’ whenever asked how things are going.

“Especially when they find out that their ex is doing well without them and can now actually do all the things they wanted to do in the first place.

“So our advice is simple: break up now, before you even think about talking to anyone about it, and tell everyone how happy your life is.”

The service is available at £66 billion a year, payable in £350 million weekly instalments.