Thursday 6 October 2016

Theresa May: ‘Tories will even welcome the coloureds and the pooftahs’

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In a rousing speech to close the Tory conference, Prime Minister Theresa May has promised a more inclusive Government for everyone, including ‘coloureds and pooftahs’.

“It is time to recognise that Britain in 2016 isn’t the same as Britain in the 1950s,” she thundered, to the clear consternation of some of the older delegates who favour freezing the country in time in Summer 1958.

“So, I make it my promise to make this a Government for everyone, where we embrace rich, poor, old and young.”

“We will even embrace the coloureds and the pooftahs,” she said, to clear gasps of shock from around the room.

“Although, not literally. That would be awful.”

She then went on to reassure those Tories who have made a lifetime’s work of attacking either people of colour or homosexuality or both.

“I know that there will be many of you who wonder what sort of world I am creating where coloureds and pooftahs are not only tolerated, but welcomed.”

“I say, do not worry, all you need to do is imagine a world where there are always people to clean the toilets, and to provide amusing end-of-conference drag acts to cater for your clearly repressed urges.”

Mrs May then won over the hall, and indeed the conference, with a rousing call-to-arms.

“And friends, we will need all the help we can to be as nasty and unpleasant to immigrants and refugees as we possibly can.”

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