Monday 3 October 2016 by Tommy Charles

Brexit rollercoaster will be a bit like Alton Towers ‘Smiler’ ride, confirms Hammond

Philip Hammond

In his speech to the Conservative Party conference, Philip Hammond has warned that the Brexit vote would mean the British economy could face “a bit of a rollercoaster” ride – one that will end similarly to Alton Towers’ ‘Smiler’ attraction.

The now infamous ‘Smiler’ ride crashed in June 2015, horrifically injuring a group of young Brits, which Mr Hammond said would be pretty much how Brexit will leave the UK.

“I expect that Brexit will lead to a catastrophic financial crash, which will leave young Brits in an extremely grave situation and scarred for life,” the Chancellor said.

“This will be a traumatic event that will have life-changing and debilitating consequences for a number of young people.

“I think the parallels with the Alton Towers rollercoaster are clear to see.”

The Chancellor issued his stark assessment following news that Sterling has hit a 3-year low, which is believed to be a consequence of Theresa May’s announcement that Article 50 would be invoked by the end of March 2017.

He also used his speech to confirm that he would abandon former Chancellor George Osborne’s pledge to eliminate the deficit and create a budget surplus in favour of a policy of investment.

“When times change, we must change with them,” he said.

“So we will no longer target a surplus at the end of this Parliament. But make no mistake we’re still going to fuck the poor into a hole in the ground.

“When I speak about investment, I mostly mean investment in my wine cellar and offshore account.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt now!

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