New badges encouraging people to chat on London Underground have been met with an entirely predictable response.
Being distributed with the caption “Have a chat with your fellow customers. Wear this badge to let others know you’re interested. You’ll benefit from a daily chat. Start using it today!”, the badges have led to London transport users recoiling in horror and checking the sky for other signs of the end times.
More pragmatic users have simply resorted to making their own badges reading “Get bent” to indicate they’d rather not interact with you, or anyone else for that matter, now or ever.
However, some tube users have welcomed the badges, saying they will make it easier to identify weirdos at a greater distance.
“The only thing it’s permissable to say to anyone on the Tube is ‘Can you move down, please?’, and then only in a desperately apologetic way when you’re in immediate danger of being crushed to death”, said Tube user Simone Williams when we asked her.
“The only people who ever try to have an actual conversation with you on the tube are drunkards, creeps, and people who’ve just escaped from Broadmoor.
“So which are you, coming up to me on the tube? Get away from me, you perv!”
When we attempted to ask her more questions she pointed at a badge reading “You can shove your chat up your arse” and poked us painfully in the groin with her umbrella.