Daily Mail prepares columns denouncing Selasi Bake Off victory ‘just in case’

author avatar by 7 years ago

The Daily Mail has instructed its ‘journalists’at an emergency editorial meeting this morning to prepare columns denouncing the Great British Bake Off for blatant liberal bias ahead of a possible “catastrophic” Selasi victory.

Senior executives at the Daily Mail had been hopeful that Selasi – who is a Ghanian immigrant – would be ejected from the competition before the halfway point as the show’s producers sought to reflect the values of Brexit Britain.

Instead, Mail editors explained to staff in a packed conference room that Selasi has been allowed to remain in the competition against the settled will of the British people, and there are fears that he may now go on to the final and potentially win.

A dispute reportedly broke out at the meeting after columnists Jan Moir and Amanda Platell both argued for top billing above the paper’s masthead.

Moir insisted that she should enjoy the coveted spot because she had taken the initiative of preparing a racist column the second she “saw Selasi’s black face”.

The column reportedly bemoans the clear favouritism shown towards the well-liked contestant, dismisses his apparent ability to bake as left-wing camera trickery, and blames his popularity on Marxist propaganda.

Meanwhile, Platell insisted that the spot should be hers owing to her proven status as a Bake Off racist, having invented the term “chocolate mosque” in a column last year.

Several other Mail ‘journalists’ are keen to pen columns accusing Bake Off producers of political correctness gone mad and racism against straight white middle-class people, though there was a shortage of pitches this morning after the meeting was terminated early.

Sources claim that the Daily Mail offices had to be evacuated after hungry columnists became involved in a skirmish over the last of the live chicks supplied by catering, culminating in a blood frenzy in which three interns lost their lives.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)