Wednesday 28 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Tory conference to open with traditional ritual human sacrifice

Stephen Crabb sacrifice

The Tory party has confirmed that their conference will kick off on Sunday with the traditional human sacrifice in praise of the great and most evil Beelzebub.

The confirmation puts an end to speculation that they would be replacing the human sacrifice with a less potent animal sacrifice of a cow or large sheep.

“There were a few health and safety issues to get round,” said a Tory insider.

“We’re in Birmingham this time, and they can be funny about human sacrifice in Birmingham.”

It is understood that the health and safety regulations were circumvented without the need to invoke the hellish power of the Tory’s Dark Lord, or Phillip Hammond as he is sometimes known.

Delegates have been urged to book their place for the sacrifice early as it will sell out.

“It’s going to be big this year,” continued the insider.

“We’ve a lot to praise the Horned one for; getting away with the whole Brexit thing, the continued ridicule and demonization of Jeremy Corbyn, Venison pie for dinner on Sunday.”

The human sacrifice will take place at 10am on Sunday morning in the main hall of the Birmingham ICC and, as Tory tradition dictates, will be performed by a black-robed Theresa May whilst wearing a headdress made from the head of a freshly slaughtered goat.

Similar to the outfit she wore to her first G7 meeting.

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