NHS to save £11bn by giving made-up health advice to people who’ll only ignore it anyway

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After discovering that people who don’t listen to the advice of doctors cost the NHS £11bn a year, new guidelines will allow medical professionals to give these people much cheaper fake advice to ignore instead.

Public Health England (PHE) found that people are continuing to do things doctors tell them not to, while simultaneously not doing things they are advised to do more of, are costing the NHS billions of pounds a year in unnecessary treatment.

“If they’re not going to listen anyway, why waste the money on real treatments and advice?” explained a PHE spokesperson.

“We’ll let the doctors be creative with anything they want to prescribe, but if the patient has a history of ignoring medical advice the doctors will be completely absolved of any wrongdoing.

GP Simon Williams told us, “If I tell you to cut down on the fags, and to try walking to the shops every now and again instead of taking a three-minute drive – but you don’t do either of those things, then my next piece of medical advice might contain traces of bullshit.

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“It’s boring telling patient after patient that there’s no prescription for a common cold, so if I get another case of ‘smokers cough’ from a guy who spent his time in the waiting room making roll-ups, I might get creative and prescribe a course of apple-sized placebo suppositories.”

Hospital staff have also welcomed the move, as one junior doctor explained, “Instead of an expensive MRI scan, we’ll push them through an old metal dustbin while a porter bangs on the side with a broom – they’ll never know the difference.”