Syrian civilians caught up in the hellish civil war that has engulfed their country for years have spoken of their relief that Boris Johnson is involved in UN discussions to bring an end to hostilities.
“We have heard of this great man Johnson who led a brave resistance against a tyrannical organisation that was brutally oppressing his people,” said Sizar Wyhams, a vet from Damascus.
“Despite all odds, the resistance was triumphant and his tiny country threw off the shackles of oppression and found themselves looking to a glorious future of freedom and prosperity for all.”
Mr Wyhams eyes blazed with hope.
“With this brave, decent man on our side, the war will soon be at an end.”
Mr Wyhams was told of the EU campaign bus with the ‘Give £350m back to the NHS’ slogan.
“Right, well that’s just stupid. I mean, I’m in war-torn Syria and even I can tell that’s nonsense, but I’m sure that is just an isolated incident.”
A photo was produced of Boris Johnson caught on a zip wire, wearing a stupid helmet and waving some tiny little flags like some sort of floppy blond cock.
“Oh Shit. We’re completely f**ked, aren’t we?”