Theresa May ‘shitting it’ as Jeremy Corbyn puts Labour on election footing

author avatar by 8 years ago

Downing Street has reportedly reacted with outright panic to news that Jeremy Corbyn plans to put the Labour party on an election footing.

“It’s literally chaos here,” said a Number 10 insider.

“News started to filter in around breakfast time regarding Labour’s plans and the PM visibly wilted, after a few moments she briefly steadied herself and tried to regain her composure but unfortunately had to dash to the Ladies.

“As she came out of the toilet, she just looked her Private Secretary in the face and went ‘Corbyn’s got them on an election footing? Christ, I am literally shitting it,’ before turning and heading straight back into the loo.”

It is understood that Mr Corbyn’s plans have stopped Number 10 in its tracks, with all plans to reintroduce a massively divisive school system, sell off the NHS to the Chinese and be really nasty to immigrants put on hold until strategists work out how to cope with this new political crisis.

“A Jeremy Corbyn led Labour party on an election footing?” continued the insider.

“This is easily the biggest political challenge that we’ve faced in anyone’s lifetime. It’s bloody terrifying.”

It is currently thought that Mrs May intends to take a day to say goodbye to colleagues and then retire from politics forever rather than face the inevitable political armageddon of Labour on an election footing.

Either that or she’ll just ignore them until they collapse in another cataclysmic bout of infighting.