Monday 19 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Entire Atlantic Ocean to be disinfected after Nigel Farage skinny-dip

Nigel Farage Skinny dip in Bournemouth

The Atlantic Ocean is to be thoroughly disinfected after it was contaminated during Nigel Farage’s skinny-dip off Bournemouth seafront.

“We had originally thought the contamination would be localised to the English Channel,” said senior Oceanographer Doctor Simon Williams.

“But we are already seeing instances of joyless petty-minded Oceanic bigotry, hate and outright lying all across the Atlantic.”

It is understood that the Atlantic Ocean has stopped Mediterranean waters mixing with it’s own, claiming that unfettered flow of water from Southern Europe is ruining the character of the Atlantic and increasing crime in some nebulous fashion that is impossible to prove.

“When we first heard of the Farage skinny-dip, we thought that contact with his withered, impotent genitals would simply render the English Channel a foul and unpleasant body of water, but frankly, it’s worse than anyone could ever imagine.

“The only way to prevent contamination to all the world’s oceans is to thoroughly disinfect the Atlantic. It’s a massive job, but it’s for the good of the planet.”

Doctor Williams and his colleagues have already set in motion the disinfection process by popping into every Sainsburys in the land and buying up their complete stocks of Dettol.

The project has taken on an urgency as it was revealed that the Oceanic Farage contamination is now so profound that the whole Atlantic simply reeks of bullshit.

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