Professional contrarian Jeremy Clarkson insists he has learnt from his past mistakes and promises his new Amazon show will be nothing but a socially responsible celebration of equality, liberalism and extreme box-ticking when it airs on November 18th.
Clarkson said, “It’s true! Our first guests are Jeremy Corbyn, Diane Abbott and someone vertically-challenged of the transgender persuasion.
“Challenges include riding a bike in a cycle lane and filling in some paperwork at length to ensure all boxes are not only ticked, but ticked correctly and using a black pen only.
“Richard and James will perform some ridiculously eco-friendly tasks each week, before our tame eco-warrior, The Prig, does it both more economically and with greater efficiency, using only compostable materials.
“In fact, there won’t be a single car in this show. Cars are horrifying purveyors of climate change, which I have stopped denying and have now fully embraced. We will instead ride recyclable go-karts made entirely from bamboo.
“All nationalities are in for something of a treat too. The Mexicans, in particular, will be pleased that there’s neither mention of poncho nor refried bean, and should I punch a producer – which I won’t – the budget would be way large enough for it to be settled out of court and kept out of the media.
“I promise that this will be nothing but a liberal leftie love-in Guardian readers will adore.
“In fact, they’ll no doubt get a massive stiffie watching it.”