Friday 16 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

‘He is still f*cking mental though’ adds Donald Trump doctor

Trump mental health

Donald Trump’s doctor has assured the world that the presidential candidate is in excellent physical health, but that he wouldn’t trust him with a spoon.

Doctor Chuck Williams gave his diagnosis following a series of rigorous examinations.

“I’ve washed my hands seventy-eight times,” confirmed a visibly shaken Doctor Williams.

“So, yes, physically he’s fine. He can walk, talk, breathe unassisted and he could probably run away from a bomb, for better or for worse.

“I can also confirm that his prostate is in rude good health. Speaking from literal first-hand experience, that’s as much detail as anyone should ever have to cope with.

“His mind is a different matter, however. Imagine a sewer in need of moderately urgent repairs, and you get a vague idea of what we’re dealing with.

“Or a pack of Rottweilers circling around a crippled orphan. That works too.

“Anyway…my remit was to say he’s healthier right now than Hillary Clinton, which is technically true. And I’d probably still rather shag him than her, but it really is Sophie’s Choice.”

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