Britain shocked by unexpected heat wave caused by enormous ever-present burning nuclear reactor in sky

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Britain is bracing itself for ‘unexpectedly’ warm weather today, provided by a giant burning ball of fire that’s been present in the skies for longer than the planet has existed and will continue to burn ferociously long after humanity ends.

“I just wasn’t expecting it,” said stargazer and nuclear physicist Simon Williams.

“You just don’t expect the Sun to put out that much heat do you?

“I was in my office, doing some nuclear physics, you know – a highly predictable field – when I realised I was sweating a bit because I still had my jacket on.

“I mean, yes, essentially the Sun is constantly fusing very, very small things together under incredible pressure and at unimaginably high temperatures to make other elements that can’t be created anywhere else in the universe but… well, you don’t expect it in September, do you?

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“It’s usually a bit parky and you think that would slow it down a bit.

Britain expects to be further aghast, confounded and confused later in the year when the enormous collections of water permanently in the sky falls as ‘too much’ rain.