‘No problem with Sellafield safety’ explains two-headed Health & Safety Chief

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Simon Williams, Health & Safety Chief at Sellafield has introduced a number of innovative measures to cope with increasing cost and efficiency drives.

Simon noticed that a local curry house plastic tub could hold a Vindaloo for over a month. The tub was also microwavable, apart form a bit of melted plastic around the edge if you left it heating for a bit too long.

“I figured if it could hold a vindaloo it would be good for anything with a half-life,” said Williams.

“And my mum used Walls ice cream tubs for boiled rhubarb, jams and all sorts, so we gave those a go as well – perfectly fine, as expected!”

It was around this time that Williams noticed a small growth on his shoulder.

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“I went to the doctors, and suddenly it started to talk, he’s become like a brother to me, really.”

Williams has been trying to raise funds to address some of the concerns of the report.

He explained, “We have a couple of guys who look a bit like Gollum that slide about on the grass by the entrance, we actually get a lot of Lord of the Rings fans up here as it’s a bit cheaper than going to New Zealand and not quite as far, although Cumbria is a very very long way from anywhere.”

Sellafield will also enter Britain’s Got Talent this year to raise awareness for naturally glowing dancers.

Williams insists safety is nothing to worry about, asking “what could possibly go wrong with an underfunded nuclear decommissioning plant located on the edge of one of our best-loved national parks.”

His second head nodded in agreement.