Monday 5 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Boris puts forward “Points Mean Prizes!” immigration plan

Boris Immigration points plan

Boris Johnson has contributed to the Brexit debate with a typically unhelpful suggestion.

The massive blonde bastard has suggested that migrants should be offered a range of household appliances, holidays and cars instead of a right to remain in the UK.

“Boris got the idea while watching Challenge,” sighed Johnson’s long-suffering assistant, Simon Williams.

“I knew it was a mistake to upgrade his Sky package. He only got the idea of supporting Brexit after watching Escape from LA on Film4, but that’s a free channel so we couldn’t do much about that one.

“In fairness, it’s no more ludicrous than anything UKIP have vomited out recently, but we’re trying to rise above that if we can.”

The plan is currently being trialled at several migration centres across the UK.

Pakistani migrant, Jay Cooper, said, “Myself and my family have been denied the right to stay in Britain.

“But we’ve won a toaster and a £100 Amazon voucher, and we’ve all had a lovely time.”

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