Cut what you like, I’m about to get an extra £350m a week, says NHS

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The NHS has said that the draconian budget cuts revealed today are ‘no biggie’ because the health service will be swimming in cash once Britain leaves the EU.

“Yes, it sounds bad,” says Jonathan Harrington, head of NHS England.

“But once we’re out of Europe we’ll be getting the extra £350m a week we were promised during the referendum campaign.”

“If you have to use the NHS in the next couple of years, then you’re probably screwed, but after that – we’re golden.

“So If you can just keep your cancer at bay or make do with your old hip for a little bit longer, we would appreciate it – it’s only temporary.

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Harrington went on to explain that they already have detailed plans on how they will spend the £350m a week.

“Once we leave Europe, we’ll have so much cash we won’t know what to do with it all, but we’ve allocated quite a bit of it.

“I’ve got a shaky table in my office which I can’t afford to repair at the moment, but after Brexit, I’ll just stick a big roll of £50 notes underneath to level it off.

Leave voter Simon Williams believes that the temporary cuts to the NHS show that the country was correct to vote for Brexit.

He explained, “I voted to Leave because of the promise of an additional £350m a week for the NHS.

“And these short-term cuts show just why we’ll need that extra cash in a couple of years.

“My brother voted to Remain because he said that the economy will be ruined and that all the politicians on the Leave side were ‘bloody liars’.

“How naïve can you be?”