Southern Rail has pledged to hand out roller skates to all season ticket holders in a bid to actually transport passengers from a place to a different place.
“Turns out that trains are just really difficult,” said Southern Rail CEO and total catastrophe Charles Horton.
“So, we’re going to get back to first principles.
“Why do passengers like trains? Because they’re on wheels, so if we can’t give our passengers the full train experience then at least we can give them the wheels.”
It is understood that passengers holding standard class season tickets will receive the old-fashioned strap-on metal roller skates, whereas first class season ticket holders can expect to receive big flashy roller boots with ball bearings and everything.
The company is also trying to formulate a practical means of dealing with passengers who don’t hold season tickets.
“Obviously, we can’t just give out roller skates to anyone who wants to travel on a Southern train; that would just be mental.
“So, our current thinking is that if someone just comes in for a ticket somewhere, we nick a shopping trolley off the local supermarket, stick the passenger in the back and give them a shove.
“I bloody love privatisation.”