Monday 15 August 2016 by Davywavy and Raggedyman

Britain defenceless against the walking dead after zombie knife ban comes into force

Zombie knife ban

Britain is to be left defenceless during the forthcoming zombie apocalypse after a government ban on undead-slaying weaponry came into force today.

Critics rounded on the nanny state for leaving people without any formal means of defending themselves against ravening hordes of the walking dead just because a few bad apples choose to use specialist zombie-defense tools against actual living people.

Law abiding citizens are being prevented from owning serrated beheading blades after a spate of attacks on the living, despite genuine concerns this might leave people unarmed and helpless when there is no more room in Hell and the graveyards spill forth their inhabitants upon that final, horrible day.

However, Government zombie-apocalypse Tsar Simon Williams rejected the criticisms.

“Studies show these so-called ‘zombie knives’ are actually utterly useless when faced with the living dead”, he told us.

“They leave the wielder well within biting range, which nobody in their right mind wants, and you need to be an engineer to work out how to get them back into the sheath without taking your own leg off.

“A simple, standard kitchen knife on a stick is adequate preparation for when the dead begin to rise from their graves and feast upon the living, or you can invest in a selection of crossbows and baseball bats for home defense,” he advised.

“Hairspray and a cigarette lighter, garden tools and old vinyl records are all still available for ghoul-destruction, and can also be used for fighting off vampires in the event of V-Day, as we in disaster preparation call it.”

Civilians are also reassured that the Ministry of Defence is working on special guns for fighting Zombies, which are just like normal guns but have loads of cool-looking LED lights and extra protuberances on them.

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